Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Two Ways to Pray

At the In-N-Out Burger, McCarthy Ranch, Milpitas, CA

The In-N-Out at McCarthy Ranch is a booger to get to. I always come at it from the north, usually coming back from a gig in Oakland, or visiting parents in Walnut Creek. Unfortunately there's no convenient freeway entrance and you have to go to Zanker Rd in San Jose and come back to Milpitas. Milpitas is an Ohlone tribe word that means 'nice place but too close to the sewer plant and stinks in summer.'

I don't know how he does it but the Incredibly Reverend One was sitting at a table with Freud as if waiting for me. I ordered then went over to say hi and for some reason they were nice to me.

"Want to join us?" The IRO asked me. I couldn't as I had to get home. I could smell alcohol and Freud's eyes were even redder than usual. I wondered if The IRO wanted me there to keep Freud occupied.'
Portal to cosmic understanding or burger joint?

"You should sit your ass down," Freud said so loud it sounded like he was inviting all occupants of cars in the drive through.  Before The IRO could stop him Freud stood up and got on the bench of the table where they were eating and started orating.

"You should sit your ass down then thank god for it. Yes, god I am grateful for my ass, for as I know that while god rested on the 7th day, on the 8th day he created the ass. And god said, 'Verily and in truth I have created the ass and it is good. Henceforth will man grab it and shout, or grunt, my name in ecstasy."

Freud sat down and went back to eating as if nothing happened. He ate by picking up one fry at a time, studying it, waving it through ketchup and stuffing it in his face followed by a large bite of burger and a swig of chocolate shake. He had one order of fries, eight burgers and three shakes in front of him.

"You should pray to god to fix your ass," he said to me.

"There's nothing wrong with my ass." At least I didn't think there was. I looked at the IRO or guidance but he was cutting his fries with a knife and eating them slowly. He offered no help.

"Scrawny, thin, pancake-ish and scrawny," Freud said. "You should be praying."

"Do you really think god will make my ass more attractive if I pray?"

Thankfully the IRO broke in. "There are two ways to pray," he offered. "Let's say you want some apricots. You can go to a church, confess your sins, put money in the poor box, recite things in dead languages and hope and hope and hope for some apricots.

"Or you can pray with a shovel, some dirt and some small apricot trees. You pray by digging holes, putting the trees in the holes then taking care of the tree until it gives you apricots. In the same manner you can pray for your childrens' safety by counting beads or by teaching them about crosswalks. I'd bet on crosswalks being a more efficient way of praying."

I was a bit confused. "What does this have to do with my ass? Is it really to small?"

"Actually I never thought about your ass and don't want to begin now. But if you eat a couple of dozen apricots you'll find out what it has to do with your ass."

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