Monday, August 1, 2011

Jazzuflecting and Jazzufaction

REAL TIME GOSPEL ENTRY: Arcata, California, just north of the Lost Coast

Another gorgeous spot. I would ask 'how does god do that' but I'd find another scrap of paper with food stains calling me an idiot.

I was having a bbq at the Community Forest with some friends. We had flatiron steaks, some shrimp and clams and were enjoying some Humboldt air when we saw two young men in black pants, white shirts and black ties going around and talking to the people at the park. We were going to go offer them some beer when I noticed a very nicely dressed man hanging out with what looked like a sack of potatoes that sprouted a hairy head and spindly legs.  The IRO and Freud. How did they wind up in the same place as me?

Scott C showing some excellent Jazzuflecting
Then I saw The IRO and Freud coming our way. If I knew them at all I knew Freud was coming for the food.

"Hey Reverend!" I called out and the missionaries turned to look, just in time to see The IRO get pretty pissed that I was focusing attention his way.  He didn't say anything when he got to us; I could see his upper lip tensing and the irritation rising in him. Freud just started grabbing food, first the bbqed clams, a slice of steak and a swig of an already opened and drunk from beer.

I hoped I could divert The IROs anger from me to someone else. "How 'bout them missionaries, telling people they know more about god than they do. Why don't they just teach them how to genuflect and go away?

NOTE TO SELF DELETE BEFORE POSTING: Cool website with instructions on genuflecting, kissing priests hands ("because they alone are able to confect the Holy Eucharist" whatever the puke that means...)

"Only you could be in a beautiful place like this and be so stupid" The IRO said to me. "Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints do not genuflect, they fish.

"Even on their own website you can tell they are not so sure about what they are doing. I quote (how do I write a quote of one person quoting another?) ""May you utilize the information herein to your benefit, and to magnify your calling in moving forward the Lord's work, even here in the Eureka California Stake.""

"But you, you should learn to genuflect. It will be a symbol to god (if there is one) and you should do it every time you are happy. If you eat a delicious fruit or veggie for the first time each season you should do it. When you realize that the glasses you thought you lost were actually still in the case you should do it. When your alarm fails to go off and you jump out of bed in a panic then find out it's Saturday and you don't have to get up, you definitely need to be thankful and genuflect."

"Are those the only times?" I asked. I sucked down a bbq clam and I think a little of the juice his his shoes. Oh crap.

A moment of obvious anger then with a calm smile, "Now here is how I want you to genuflect. Raise one knee. Raise both hands, palms out with your fingers stretched. I think this position is called jazz hands. Look upward in great thanks."

"Should I have my knee pointed straight ahead, or turn it across my body?"

"If you feel many cross your body. If your feminine side is shining through, then pull your knee to the out side of your body. From now on you will refer to this as jazzuflecting™ and the glorious ecstasy you get from it will be called jazzufaction™."

Freud was slamming down the seafood now, and most of the steak was gone. "I'm gonna go pee on a redwood tree" Freud said as he wobbled and meandered across the really green grass over to a grove of giant trees. Just as he disappeared around the base of a giant sequoia The IRO shouted out, "Dessert time! I think I am going to fork this pie."

I am not sure what Freud was doing on the other side of that tree but it took him 7 minutes and when he came back he had a look of extreme jazzufaction.

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